My Soupscribers' Queries, Answered

In my ever-flowing beneficence, I have decided to answer my subscriber's soup-related questions. Yes, sometimes a soup connoisseur must sink to the level of the masses to spread His liquid gospel. Sadly, I am no God on high, some type of soup Shiva or broth Brahma. But I like the Muhammad of matzo ball soup, spreading revelations to my hungry followers in the name of delicious food. Below are my responses to my followers questions.

How many bowls of soup would fit in the Grand Canyon?

I have often wondered this myself. However, I would be far more prepared to answer this question if the canyon in question were the Mariana Trench (since it is already filled with the ocean, a kind of broth). The Grand Canyon, on the other hand, is only filled with a modicum of broth, the Colorado River. Furthermore, the river is shrinking, and one must account for the many tourists who fall into the canyon each year taking selfies instead of eating soup. That is why love for soup is the safest type of passion: instead of taking selfies that cause you to fall, you take normal pictures of soup in front of you.

Though I do not claim to be a math genius, I know how to calculate viscosity and ingredient amounts better than if Einstein worked at a soup kitchen. So, I would wager that the Grand Canyon could hold 3.23 billion bowls of a Southwest favorite, chicken tortilla soup. But if you're using one of those weird bowls with the hole in the middle that they give you at Thai restaurants, you might need to recalculate that.

Why don't we see more cold soups? What is your opinion on (intentionally) cold soups?

It is you who does not see cold soups. I see cold soups all the time. You say that you only see a gazpacho or a cucumber soup or some disgusting Finnish milk soup once in a blue moon. But clearly this is because you see the world through solid food-tinted glasses. I, however, see cold soups everywhere. When I go to the ice cream parlor — cold soup. When I get my Panera Bread lemonade — cold soup. When I do the ice bucket challenge — cold soup. When I am watching a documentary about the very mean orcas in the Arctic Ocean who prey on narwhals — cold soup. It's time to open your eyes and your palate to the possibilities.

That being said, I am ambivalent on the topic of the cold soup. We all came from the same cold soup (the ocean), so I have to respect my brothly origins. I do enjoy a good ice cream or smoothie on a day that I have just consumed a chili. However, I cannot call cold soups my favorite. I have yet to see a matzo ball in a cold soup. Until that day, I will stick by their hot brethren.

Where is the line between a soup and a smoothie?

Ah, this soupscriber is quite the newbie, just dipping his little ladle into my content. As stated above, there is no line between the magnificent soup and the splendid smoothie. Anything can be a soup if you put your mind to it. But you, my disciple, may be small-minded. I can only educate, but I cannot change the feeble-minded. But the meek shall inherit the soup. And so shall you.

What bread is the best to dip in soup? What is the best soup add-on?

I threw my matzo balls to the wall when I saw this question. I saw the word "bread" and almost had a tantrum because it made me think of solid food. But then, I saw the phrase "is the best to dip in soup" and the viscosity of my temperament returned to normal. The answer to this question is obvious: sourdough or naan. Yes, I must admit, the naan of the Indians is of great soup-absorbing quality. In fact, it is far superior to rice. I am even fine when Americans call it "naan bread" when enjoying a delicious curry, but ONLY when they are eating naan with a solid food. It is simply superior to roti and paratha in its broth-absorption powers. Sourdough, of course, is also well-suited to soup. Though I am a prophet of soup, I am a follower of the almost ungodly creation of the bread bowl. Simply put, if I am like Lucifer falling from heaven, then let it be into a bread bowl. Bread bowls of sourdough are perfect for a soup and a great way to gain calories. I highly recommend that Indians try sourdough bread bowls for curries and that Americans use naan to eat French onion soup and clam chowder. Only then will we achieve world peace. End the H1-B visas and let's start exchanging soups.

The best soup add-on is more soup. Of this there can be no debate. Why have an add-on of green onion, bread, or cheese when I could have more broth? See, many of you false soup followers will not agree. But I am no false prophet, no Dajjal of dashi. I am a soup purist, and all I want to do in my life is eat more soup. I finish my soup, I want more. I finish that soup, I want more. Feed me more soup, my nectar and ambrosia! Yes, feed me, oh Lord, and may my ladle overflow. May my stomach never fill up; may my lips stay forever wet. May the cold sting of the spoon ever shock me to my very core. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of a salad restaurant, I fear no evil, for soup is with me.

In short, you should be more like me.

What is the soup spectrum?

I do not understand such a question. But I take it as a compliment. I am on the spectrum for soup.

My followers, you're welcome for these answers. I will now give your questions a soup score:

4.7/10 could be better